Current Mood: Confused

1-22-12

 The Open Door 

It is with a true heart that these writtings are undergone … becuase it is a true heart that wishes to be  revieled …. so please indulge this introspective being as it is attempted to look within and express.

Opening this note with the knowledge that these issues are not new and perhaps to Master Dvnt this will seem to be just another rambling of misinterpratations and mental constructs ~ and they are NOT not that … but they FEEL like more.. so it is to words in the hopes it may help in putting this to rest.

The story begins way way way back ~ likely farther back then it is known .. and it is here and now. Rather than listing the chain

of events ( which is actually how this was being formed in the head) ~ perhaps just using the events as touch stones to discuss Oour

state and the perspective from which the author sits will shed a healing light and give illumination to Master Dvnt as to how the author feels. Starting with a foot hold in NOW … the first step is being taken .

The Closing Door

Not but within a matter of weeks ago i had made some headway in cultivating a feeling of trust and desire to begin to Sirve again… a feeling that did not come easily … how did this feeling arise ? This feeling came from the realization that i can trust Master Dvnt and He is a man of His word … i was listening and felt open again … as if the wounds from Oour past were being healed ~ BY ME …. and it felt awesome and it felt RIGHT … i offered my Sirvices and they were accepted … and it felt calm ~ harmonious and connected … but under what pretense was this feeling concocted ? now it is seen that i was likely placing all kinds of expectations on Him … and settting myself up for more of the old feelings of distrust & rejection …. ONE NOTE … He had told me “you have nothing to worry about” in regards to Him starting any new relationships beyond Uus… so i entered the door again … and let my heart crack open …just a bit … then events have taken place that just smell like the old Biznezz as Usual from oour past … and it slammed the door closed !!! why ???

The Head

It would be so much easier to blame others and point fingers at people around me ~ but this wont help me heal at all … and i dont want to drag others into my negative world ~ i really dont …. its just a wounded animal has the tendancy to do these things … and that is apparently how i view myself ~ so i think .Why do i view others as a threat ? Why am i so fearful of Master Dvnt’s actions ?He would say it is because i am not right with myself ~ and He is correct … but sometimes it is so hard to be calm when faced with the same sitautions and fearing the same results … like i feel im in the Twilight Zone .. and this nightmare keeps manifesting !!! Its really insane … What is my fear ? Where is this fear ? How can it be addressed ? Why do i project ~ am i projecting or are my fears founded ?

The Fear is fear of non disclosuer ~ the feeling of being on a “need to know” bases … and things as of late seem to be headed back in that direction … and it brings up emotional trauma for me . The Fear is of Him playing / being with / liking other women … there i said it … and it hurts to talk about it . But i must . Does repression cure this ? NO … what does ? i dont know … but when these issues arise … Repression and Aggression are my tools of control … i live in the wishing well that He wont do this … and when He does … i feel very disappointed and set myself for rejection and creating situations that actualize my fears … putting gasoline on the fire ! i am nuts ! and i see i am nuts … but that voice in my head tells me to react … and puts all the pieces together to create the puzzle of my dispair !  Why do situations develope that make me distrust ? Am i a psychic and see things coming before hand  or am i living an illusion ? How do i deal with this ? i am at a loss..

What should i be ? How on earth can i look at this ? i ask over and over again of Master Dvnt ~ and he gets sick and tired of me..it feels like a broken record that plays on and on . im personally sick of it too.

i want to chop my head off .

The Dream

He says that my love for Him is not real because i have expectations …. and that hurts me . i say His love IS REAL even though He hurts me . Which is the correct perspective ? are expectations bad ? is hurting only true from the observer ? how do couples agree on these issues ? what do other HEALTHY relationships look like ?

i do have a dream …. and that is to be free of my fear ~ to be the healthy and happy person i am somewhere … to laugh and find joy in others happiness. is this just a dream … a hazy faint whisper off in the distance ? i felt it not that long ago … i felt it literally just days ago … so i know IT IS REAL …. not just a fantasy … i want that feeling back ~ is it only in my hands ? or is it a dream Wwe dream TOGETHER ? if i let go of control …. what will happen ? why cant i just ease into life ..Open the door and just walk in ? walk and sit in the room without fear ? Open the door with out expectations …. keep the door open and let love inhabit the room ….

Master ~

i give You all that i am in unending LOVE .

i give You my heart – head – and mind … i am Yours.

i am always living in O/our LOVE … though You may not see it …

please keep holding my hand …. i am ever growing …

i know You think we are not the same .. and it is true .. W/we are U/us..

W/we are so so beautiful .. like The SUN shows upon the moon … the TRUTH is we are one. W/we are growing each day … in LOVE ~ in Light ….in truth . O/our union makes U/us stronger and together W/we are wonderful …. sharing and caring .

Please know that i am always working  to be better …. always.

Patience always.

Devotion always.

Trust always.

Come what may … i will love You till my dieing day.

Master ~ now more than ever .. i am reaching out to You … holding my hand out to You – to help and learn – to care in the truest way .