Boiling water in the dark....Archive for To Master
An Opening ~ A closing & the realization my head in the door is a dream ….
Posted by: | CommentsCurrent Mood:
Confused
1-22-12
The Open Door
It is with a true heart that these writtings are undergone … becuase it is a true heart that wishes to be revieled …. so please indulge this introspective being as it is attempted to look within and express.
Opening this note with the knowledge that these issues are not new and perhaps to Master Dvnt this will seem to be just another rambling of misinterpratations and mental constructs ~ and they are NOT not that … but they FEEL like more.. so it is to words in the hopes it may help in putting this to rest.
The story begins way way way back ~ likely farther back then it is known .. and it is here and now. Rather than listing the chain
of events ( which is actually how this was being formed in the head) ~ perhaps just using the events as touch stones to discuss Oour
state and the perspective from which the author sits will shed a healing light and give illumination to Master Dvnt as to how the author feels. Starting with a foot hold in NOW … the first step is being taken .
The Closing Door
Not but within a matter of weeks ago i had made some headway in cultivating a feeling of trust and desire to begin to Sirve again… a feeling that did not come easily … how did this feeling arise ? This feeling came from the realization that i can trust Master Dvnt and He is a man of His word … i was listening and felt open again … as if the wounds from Oour past were being healed ~ BY ME …. and it felt awesome and it felt RIGHT … i offered my Sirvices and they were accepted … and it felt calm ~ harmonious and connected … but under what pretense was this feeling concocted ? now it is seen that i was likely placing all kinds of expectations on Him … and settting myself up for more of the old feelings of distrust & rejection …. ONE NOTE … He had told me “you have nothing to worry about” in regards to Him starting any new relationships beyond Uus… so i entered the door again … and let my heart crack open …just a bit … then events have taken place that just smell like the old Biznezz as Usual from oour past … and it slammed the door closed !!! why ???
The Head
It would be so much easier to blame others and point fingers at people around me ~ but this wont help me heal at all … and i dont want to drag others into my negative world ~ i really dont …. its just a wounded animal has the tendancy to do these things … and that is apparently how i view myself ~ so i think .Why do i view others as a threat ? Why am i so fearful of Master Dvnt’s actions ?He would say it is because i am not right with myself ~ and He is correct … but sometimes it is so hard to be calm when faced with the same sitautions and fearing the same results … like i feel im in the Twilight Zone .. and this nightmare keeps manifesting !!! Its really insane … What is my fear ? Where is this fear ? How can it be addressed ? Why do i project ~ am i projecting or are my fears founded ?
The Fear is fear of non disclosuer ~ the feeling of being on a “need to know” bases … and things as of late seem to be headed back in that direction … and it brings up emotional trauma for me . The Fear is of Him playing / being with / liking other women … there i said it … and it hurts to talk about it . But i must . Does repression cure this ? NO … what does ? i dont know … but when these issues arise … Repression and Aggression are my tools of control … i live in the wishing well that He wont do this … and when He does … i feel very disappointed and set myself for rejection and creating situations that actualize my fears … putting gasoline on the fire ! i am nuts ! and i see i am nuts … but that voice in my head tells me to react … and puts all the pieces together to create the puzzle of my dispair ! Why do situations develope that make me distrust ? Am i a psychic and see things coming before hand or am i living an illusion ? How do i deal with this ? i am at a loss..
What should i be ? How on earth can i look at this ? i ask over and over again of Master Dvnt ~ and he gets sick and tired of me..it feels like a broken record that plays on and on . im personally sick of it too.
i want to chop my head off .
The Dream
He says that my love for Him is not real because i have expectations …. and that hurts me . i say His love IS REAL even though He hurts me . Which is the correct perspective ? are expectations bad ? is hurting only true from the observer ? how do couples agree on these issues ? what do other HEALTHY relationships look like ?
i do have a dream …. and that is to be free of my fear ~ to be the healthy and happy person i am somewhere … to laugh and find joy in others happiness. is this just a dream … a hazy faint whisper off in the distance ? i felt it not that long ago … i felt it literally just days ago … so i know IT IS REAL …. not just a fantasy … i want that feeling back ~ is it only in my hands ? or is it a dream Wwe dream TOGETHER ? if i let go of control …. what will happen ? why cant i just ease into life ..Open the door and just walk in ? walk and sit in the room without fear ? Open the door with out expectations …. keep the door open and let love inhabit the room ….
To wear or not not wear … is that a question ?
Posted by: | CommentsCurrent Mood:
Happy
1-15-12
As the days turn to months and the months turn to years … the time arises for some questions to be
addressed …. mainly ~ can i ever be ready to wear a collar again ? am i worthy ? who judges this ? is this a decision only for Him ? what does it mean to me / Uus now ?
my personal story involves a life time of issues .. that came to a head last year ~ and in the process ~ my collar was stripped of me .. but Wwe still remain together ~ and for that i am VERY THANKFUL …
Now Wwe are in the process of re evaluating whether or not i am ready for a collar again … and this is not a subject to be taken lightly … in fact.. its even more serious than when Wwe engaged in this 5 years ago … because now all the blinders are removed and the “glitz , glamor and mystery” has been reveiled… and the REAL DEAL is here for Uus to see …. and i look at this with great honor .
i could easily ( and believe me sometimes still do ) look at this subject / situation with shame and embarressment … but today i dont see it that way ~ i see this as a turning point to enter into reality TOGETHER !!! What may seem like the most horrible thing to happen to a slave could be the best thing that could have happened to me !!! i dont know yet ~ but i am honestly open to see . i am hopeing that Wwe will work through these issues and be together ~ HONESTLY !! i am willing and ready to do the work of this .
Am i ready to wear His collar again … today ?? probably not … but i have complete faith that if i do the work .. it will happen . A way that i think might be a good way to start back into a 24/7 situation is to work within moments in time ,,,, such as weekends or week to week ,,, At first this seems lame ? but i see it as a realistic way to set boundries . i suggested Wwe do this THIS weekend ~ but i cant tell if Wwe did it or not ( hahahah) … i have been following orders and trying to be “good” so im following my own protocols ~ i’m not sure if He is aware of this ?? maybe when He wakes up i can ask Him ?? But im cool with it ~ either way … maybe Wwe can do a Tues-Thurs thing ? i dont know … but its a start !!!! my point of this is to show honest intenet and good Sirvice … and provide happiness to Him !! So maybe by working together during these times Wwe can evalute when might be a good time to go 24/7 again . i honestly do want to wear His collar again … and be together with Him ~ forever !
Am i worthy ? This sounds like a very loaded question … but it must be addressed … what is the critiriea of worthy ? to me … worthy qualities are ~ honest ~ non reactive ~ peaceful ~ helpful ~ open ~ showing good judgement ~ good self esteam … etc . i can see that if these are the elements i set forth … i will have my work cut out for me … but BOY O BOY … wouldnt it be great to acheieve this ? YES !! This is my goal !!!!
How about HIM ? what qualities would i see for Him … the man that holds the key to my heart ?? well ~ He already exhibits many of the qualities i expressed above ( which would hold true for a Master ) but what other things would i project as being worthy for Him to hold a complete slave ~ more specifically ME as a complete slave ?? hmm… i think its not time for me to express that ,, i would like to hear from HIM what He thinks are appropriate attributes …. but i must say ,,, that i completely LOVE Him … with all that i am …
i could have never asked for a more perfect person to challange me ~ and make my life a source of joy and growth ..so thankYou for being my Master ~ even without a collar … because that is just a PART of who Wwe are … not what Wwe are! i will give this concept more thought… because i would humblely request that perhaps an entry to slavehood can be met with honest understanding of what the slave needs ( from my perspective ) and can be part of the process of collaring ….
What does a collar mean to me now ? Gosh ~ that is a BIG BIG one … isnt it ? well ,, today ~ as i see it ~ a collar means complete submission on my part and complete Ownership on His part … and this is where He and i will need to agree … and i TRULY FEEL WwE WILL !!!!!!
i will leave this open letter and thought stream for now ,,, with a finale note ~
i declare to the universe that i am absolutly on the path to becoming a slave to Master Dvnt again … and it is my
full intention to meet all requirements set forth and look at this process with joy not resentment … because it will
be in honesty and TRUE LOVE that Wwe will find oourselves living !
~ humbly mara moon
Its a long and winding road ….
Posted by: | CommentsCurrent Mood:
Alarmed
As a new practice toward self improvement
…. im now going to make a record of every time im negative …
so starting today … i will write down everytime i do or say something negative !!
12-10-11
i called the artists at a gallery something bad ( cant remember exactly what) … but it would be in reflection
of a few things …. i was reacting to at least things ( if not more) ….
My judgement of the “art” there ….
Possibly seeing people i dont want to see ~ fear of conflict .
and the desire to possibly just stay at home … relaxing .
so ,,, there is the first of what is guaranteed to be a long list ….
my reasoning for this is to examine myself in the hopes of getting better someday !!
i always LOVE You !!!
Posted by: | CommentsCurrent Mood: Happy
Dear Master ~
No matter what … i always love You ! i am grateful You are in my life and i cherish You !
mara moon
a sincere apology …. one aspect of many ~ the impact of TRUTH
Posted by: | Comments12-30-10
This will be an ongoing open letter to Master Dvnt from me … there are far too many issues to address in just one letter … this is the first in a series … i can only hope this will reach Him and others ….
Dear Sir~
i write this open letter in hopes to help build back what W/we once had . i write this open letter to express how deeply sorry i am for what i have done and how this has impacted O/our lives. i write this open letter to share with everyone how important honesty is …. so perhaps others will reflect upon these writtings and hold these notions as truth.
i apologize from the deepest part of me for being untrue ~ lieing and disregarding the faith W/we had built . i can see now that my actions did not stop when the “affair” did… that these actions are still alive and impacting U/us today … at the time of my weakness i was not able to see past my emotional state that i was in ~ which felt severally hurt ~ abandonded~ unheard and afraid … so i was totally blinded to the future and how what i was doing would continue on. i see NOW that my mistakes have caused me so much more pain and are effecting so many more lives than just my own. i apologize for being so weak minded ~ selfish and horrible. i am embaressed and am working everyday to right myself with You and with the world.
i want to formally apologize for misusing the trust You had in me … that was not my intention with my actions … but by behaving so wrongly … that is what i have done. i would give anything to FIX this … i VOW to be 100 % true … no matter what … and do as You ask to help build O/our trust back … i dont do this out of fear … i do this out of LOVE and understanding. Please see that i am truly sorry that my decetful actions have torn U/us apart …. but i feel O/our path is getting stronger and stronger because of this …. that is the amazing transformitive power of this pain.
i have never felt such a direct impact like i am feeling now… perhaps because i am open to it. i am not running away to the next relationship ~ leaving behind my illusions ~ my fear ~ my unresolved issues …. i am standing / kneeling here… holding onto today. holding on and moving both forwards and back to face all the fears that brought U/us here. for the first time in 30 years … i am actually hanging around to pay the piper !!!! and it feels good and BAD … faciing the consequences of my actions is very hard …. and i have to thank You , Sir ~ for allowing me to do so … for without Your devotion and dedication.. i would be forever spinning my wheel of delussion ~ of blame~ of pity ~ remorse and disconnection. Because of Your faith … You have given me a chance … not just to work on U/us… but to work on me …. so Thank You … i will not waste this opportunity !!!!
Truth is what W/we all can have … truth is the foundation of LOVE ~ TRUE LOVE ….. i know i feel true love for Master Dvnt …. and i am openly saing i am so so sorry for hurting U/us like i did …. i will never disregard O/our truth again … please accept my apology and be patient as W/we rebuild the foundation of U/us ….
i am sorry .
i will NEVER be unfaithful again.
i was horrible and am embaressed.
i will do what ever it takes to rebuild O/our relationship.
i believe in U/us .
i believe in You.
i believe in me.
Please take these words and see the image of me bowing in deep gratitude …. for there is no other issue more important than this …. TRUE LOVE.
sincerely Yours~
mara
a rope haiku.
Posted by: | Comments
12-19-10
out of the bag
a orgainzed mess
coiled and ready~
grasped in Your hands
an extension of You
the weavers loom~
the dance begins
a touch a pull
the Sun captures the moon.
Because sometimes bondage is good….
Posted by: | CommentsPlease Enjoy this wonderful image by John Willie.
The End of Suffering
Posted by: | CommentsThoughts and considerations~
Through slavery i sought to end suffering …. it is now that there is no slavery that i see that it is only through my own realization of self… and selflessness that i may end suffering …. and THEN may i enter back into slavery.
please click to view this wonderful video “The End of Suffering” by Thich Nhat Hanh
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti …. i chant the sacred words of eternal bliss.
what can i do ?
Posted by: | CommentsMaster ~
What can i do ? How can i make this better ? i dont know…. i am giving my best … i am opening and being TRUE .
Please dont turn a cold back to me … please see that i am sorry for everything i have done.. and am doing what You ask of me .
Please accept my apology …. i am truly regretful ….
i love You … with ALL of my heart … till the day i die.
Please forgive me.
W/we were brought together .. to be together ….i will serve You… till the day i die.
i am giving 100%
Posted by: | Comments12-8-10
i am giving 100% to O/our relationship …. i am being mindful and cooperative …. i am not being judgemental and trying to create better oppurtunities. i have nothing to hide and am not being evasive … i am giving all that i can …
please do not disregard my efforts… please recognize that i am trying … PLEASE …
see my open heart … see my open hands.. see my opening mind .
being the best me i can be ….
Drops
Posted by: | CommentsIn every drop of rain
In every ray of the SUN
Contained inside is my LOVE
hold it
feel it
KNOW IT IS TRUE
Reflections on LOVE ~
Posted by: | Comments12~6~10
Questions~
What does LOVE really mean to me ?
What do i think about my relationship with Master Dvnt ?
Why do i think i want to be with Him forever ?
Thoughts on the subjects ~
To me ~ love is endless… and love is kind… love is caring .. love is sharing .. love is safety … love is laughing .. love is harmony ~ love is understanding ~ love is sexy ~ love is softness~love is helpfulness~ love is the feeling i have had for Master Dvnt for years and years …. i KNOW O/our love is TRUE LOVE .. even in the hardest of times …
To me love means working together and seeing the truth of who W/we are … though sometimes for me .. i dont know who i am at all !! and Master Dvnt has tried to help me see … with MiXed results :-O !!! So for that ~ i thank Him .. and that is a sign of LOVE … working to help .. even against all odds … its very hard to see myself .. and sometimes i really dont know what im looking at … but i have faith if i keep looking … with open eyes .. i will see the real me .. and reflect that to the world ….
my relationship with Master Dvnt has been the hardest and most rewarding of my life … W/we have been together for almost 5 years … and things have been hard lately … i made some very bad choices and did dishonor to O/our relationship .. out of fear and frustration …. and now i am left to try to rebuild a relationship that was struggling even before that … how and why do i want to continue ? Because i truly believe in U/us … i LOVE Him more than myself … and when i look through the eyes of LOVE … i see a beautiful Man .. who i want to spend te rest of my life with … in whatever way W/we choose …. it hurts very bad sometimes but W/we are trying to heal and come together again … hopefully BETTER than before !!
When i reflect on where we have been … and what has happened … i see this as a gift ( though i may want to RETURN it sometimes :-0 ) …. a gift to see who W/we really are … who i really am … and what is important to me … and what i can see is that being TRUE to O/our love and relationship is the MOST important to me … and it is so hard sometimes to honor a love that feels painful and feels so hurtful … but i have to see that its me that feels this … and not only the particulars …. seperating these two things is ALMOST impossible for me… but i am working on it everyday !!
i request time and understanding ~ i request forgiveness and compassion ~ i request a meeting of the minds … with Openness and LOVE … and i will give this in return ….
i request W/we removed the dust off the mirror and see O/ourselves as who W/we are … or could be again…
Master Dvnt and His slave maramoon
sincerely ~mara
solo slave 
5 Days...Whensday....
