thirtynine one

Reflections of 39…

my 39th birthday celebration… comes and goes.. like the river.. it flows.

Long have been my ego based habits.. “its MY day.. ” all about the mara show!

and for most.. thats great. and for me.. thats great.. except it gets in my way to truly seeing who i am.

who am i ? what am i ? what have i become ? what will become of me?

i have built an identity.. it is a construction.. made of memories and emotions..judgments and conclusions.

is this what i am?

is what i am a myth of my own making? am i simply a shadow of my own ego?

how can i tell what i am? am i this heart that beats? am i this brain that thinks?

on my 39th birthday.. why do i have expectations? am i 39 ? what is that?

This day is the same day.. now is the same time as then.. so i will attempt to reflect..

Yes.. i am a shadow of an ego.. an ego that is not all of my own. However, it is not a simple one.. my ego is the back bone of what i believe i am…

my Master shows me something different.. and i struggle to see. and am infinitely thankful for His incite. He has proven time and time again i am a product of only my mind.. i am more than my mind however…

i think i am both. my mind.. and more than my mind.

i can tell who i am when i am awake. when i am moving in peacefulness and in pain..as long as i am THERE… truly only there. HERE.. not there. being here.

BEING HERE.. actually here. is here not there as well ? i am not wise enough to know.. i think it is both.

Master… i do not wish to burden You.. but please hold the mirror again and again.. please i beg.. hold it tirelessly.. hold it infinitely…show me what You know…hold my hand and keep me close.

part of what i am is You… You.