Self Consciousness-The connection killer

i wish it could say that its rare .. or newly developed .. or a phase.. but its not …

i am very self conscious … and sometimes it’s a connection killer …

i get so wrapped up in judging myself .. and wondering what people are thinking about me ,, that i can’t even relax and enjoy what ever activities i am engaging at the moment …. and this is  a vicious cycle .

so i am exposing these aspects of myself to the world and to myself.. how do i not now use these “defects” to further dig deeper this hole of self doubt …???

why is my answer to why i feel bad about how i look..that i need to diet .. i need to loose weight and get more fit .. and granted.. those ARE positive things and healthy,, but i actually think that no matter what i look like,, i don’t think it’s good enough …

and i’m not nice enough .. or friendly enough .. and yadda yadda yadda… the hole grows with each time at look at myself with these eyes …

and i want to love myself .. and be kind to myself ,,, and like myself … but the circle is unbroken ..i pray to break free of this .. i pray pray pray … to stop all this disconnecting – isolating – fear and loathing.

one fact … not all about me … just a reflection in the mirror today .