a sincere apology .... one aspect of many ~ the impact of TRUTHChanging Fear to Curiosity
By · Comments2-4-12
i am always challenged by fear … i have probably spent a good portion of 41 years dealing with this FEAR …. and examining its roots is an even bigger challenge ! i am so used to feeling fear that its likely one of the first emotions to arise in any situation … its embarrassing to admit … but i dont have to be afraid of ridicule … because i am NOW looking at this FEAR … “yeah ~ you fear over there .. i see you !!! ” …. but its ME !!
Recently some major issues are coming back into play and its bringing up some fears that had been repressed ( not dealt with) for a bit. But ~ here they are …. HI !!! When i look at this situation i know that i can see it from many views …. but i habitually choose to see things from fear . But momentarily i have let down my guard and felt the fear dissipate … only to return in a little while . What was i doing differently when i felt the lack of fear ?? i can see that i was allowing room for options within the unknown … i was sinking into the possibility that the outcome might not be bad … just for a second . i was also trying to feel compassion and understanding ~ stepping away from my NORMAL self involved self centered mode ( boy ~ could i go on and on about that !! ) …. but again … it just poofs away back into fear . How can i allow the spaciousness and openness to take a stronger foothold ~ rather than the 41 years of fear ?? i rise to the challenge !!
When i am working within fear i am closed and unable to be reached ~ when i let down my gaurd ~ i feel less threatened and almost MORE empowered ( is that true?) … when i dont try to control things through fear … can they settle into a non harmful state ? i dont know ~ the fear is always talking and saying ” NO ~ you must maintain the wall ” but when i peeked out for a second ~ i didnt die … and i almost thought i felt OK …. HMMM … maybe the voice i hear is totally full of shit ?? but im too afraid to really find out !! GOD DAMN !
i have a big habit of blaming all my fear on the things around me ~ like my Master shouldnt do that ~ or other people shouldnt do this ~ and why cant it be just the way i would like it ??i say to myself ~ why is it ridiculous for me to simply want what i want and get it ? why must i struggle for every fucking piece of joy ? how come i do everything for everybody and they dont do jack shit for me ? HAHAHA ~ welcome to the HELL realm ,,, the realm of the perpetual Mara Zone …. but i think im closing this highway down for repair !
because for one brief second ~ i DID take the off ramp ~ and i was open to NO FEAR …. i dont want to grasp for that … and hold onto it for dear life ( omg ~ more fear) ….but i does give me hope ~ hope to not make everyone an enemy … and make myself an enemy … and be my own worst nightmare …. so im choosing to cultivate an attitude of curiousness of fearful situations . i am choosing to TRY to see situations in a more compassionate way by examining the REALITY that i am not going to die from this or that .. or what people think .. but the negative can DIE from my life . i am choosing to keep this a construction zone of the curious ~ where any turn COULD be a good one … not all a detour to hell !!
Theres always …..
By · Comments2-1-12
Theres always
someone younger
Theres always
something better
Theres always
a new prespective
Theres always
time to see
Theres always
the now i live in
Theres always
the voice in my head
Theres always
the comparison
Theres always
the reality
Theres always
Hope
i
can
escape
my
mind
soon.
Friday Feb 3 ~ TabuLuve ~ Discipline Play Party !
By · CommentsCurrent Mood:
Playful
This friday will be the third night of Oour new public play party …. Discipline . Last months event was awesome … so im really looking
forward to MORE FUN !!! Come check it out if you can !!!
FEAR is the mind killer
By · Comments1-28-12
Realization : Every single one of my negative reactions comes from FEAR . i may displace them as this or that … but they are my inner fears being surfaced . Realization : 41 years of FEAR is alot to overcome ~ but im ready to drop it all !
Current Mood:
Confused
1-22-12
The Open Door
It is with a true heart that these writtings are undergone … becuase it is a true heart that wishes to be revieled …. so please indulge this introspective being as it is attempted to look within and express.
Opening this note with the knowledge that these issues are not new and perhaps to Master Dvnt this will seem to be just another rambling of misinterpratations and mental constructs ~ and they are NOT not that … but they FEEL like more.. so it is to words in the hopes it may help in putting this to rest.
The story begins way way way back ~ likely farther back then it is known .. and it is here and now. Rather than listing the chain
of events ( which is actually how this was being formed in the head) ~ perhaps just using the events as touch stones to discuss Oour
state and the perspective from which the author sits will shed a healing light and give illumination to Master Dvnt as to how the author feels. Starting with a foot hold in NOW … the first step is being taken .
The Closing Door
Not but within a matter of weeks ago i had made some headway in cultivating a feeling of trust and desire to begin to Sirve again… a feeling that did not come easily … how did this feeling arise ? This feeling came from the realization that i can trust Master Dvnt and He is a man of His word … i was listening and felt open again … as if the wounds from Oour past were being healed ~ BY ME …. and it felt awesome and it felt RIGHT … i offered my Sirvices and they were accepted … and it felt calm ~ harmonious and connected … but under what pretense was this feeling concocted ? now it is seen that i was likely placing all kinds of expectations on Him … and settting myself up for more of the old feelings of distrust & rejection …. ONE NOTE … He had told me “you have nothing to worry about” in regards to Him starting any new relationships beyond Uus… so i entered the door again … and let my heart crack open …just a bit … then events have taken place that just smell like the old Biznezz as Usual from oour past … and it slammed the door closed !!! why ???
The Head
It would be so much easier to blame others and point fingers at people around me ~ but this wont help me heal at all … and i dont want to drag others into my negative world ~ i really dont …. its just a wounded animal has the tendancy to do these things … and that is apparently how i view myself ~ so i think .Why do i view others as a threat ? Why am i so fearful of Master Dvnt’s actions ?He would say it is because i am not right with myself ~ and He is correct … but sometimes it is so hard to be calm when faced with the same sitautions and fearing the same results … like i feel im in the Twilight Zone .. and this nightmare keeps manifesting !!! Its really insane … What is my fear ? Where is this fear ? How can it be addressed ? Why do i project ~ am i projecting or are my fears founded ?
The Fear is fear of non disclosuer ~ the feeling of being on a “need to know” bases … and things as of late seem to be headed back in that direction … and it brings up emotional trauma for me . The Fear is of Him playing / being with / liking other women … there i said it … and it hurts to talk about it . But i must . Does repression cure this ? NO … what does ? i dont know … but when these issues arise … Repression and Aggression are my tools of control … i live in the wishing well that He wont do this … and when He does … i feel very disappointed and set myself for rejection and creating situations that actualize my fears … putting gasoline on the fire ! i am nuts ! and i see i am nuts … but that voice in my head tells me to react … and puts all the pieces together to create the puzzle of my dispair ! Why do situations develope that make me distrust ? Am i a psychic and see things coming before hand or am i living an illusion ? How do i deal with this ? i am at a loss..
What should i be ? How on earth can i look at this ? i ask over and over again of Master Dvnt ~ and he gets sick and tired of me..it feels like a broken record that plays on and on . im personally sick of it too.
i want to chop my head off .
The Dream
He says that my love for Him is not real because i have expectations …. and that hurts me . i say His love IS REAL even though He hurts me . Which is the correct perspective ? are expectations bad ? is hurting only true from the observer ? how do couples agree on these issues ? what do other HEALTHY relationships look like ?
i do have a dream …. and that is to be free of my fear ~ to be the healthy and happy person i am somewhere … to laugh and find joy in others happiness. is this just a dream … a hazy faint whisper off in the distance ? i felt it not that long ago … i felt it literally just days ago … so i know IT IS REAL …. not just a fantasy … i want that feeling back ~ is it only in my hands ? or is it a dream Wwe dream TOGETHER ? if i let go of control …. what will happen ? why cant i just ease into life ..Open the door and just walk in ? walk and sit in the room without fear ? Open the door with out expectations …. keep the door open and let love inhabit the room ….
STOP the Internet Blacklist !!!
By · CommentsCurrent Mood:
Angry
slaveBound , mara and Master Dvnt are speaking out against SOPA & PIPA !!! W/we stand up against censorship and the removal of rights to free speech !!!
CLICK THIS LINK TO GO TELL CONGRESS YOU STAND FOR FREEDOM !!
The Internet blacklist legislation—known as PROTECT IP Act (PIPA) in the Senate and Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) in the House—invites Internet security risks, threatens online speech, and hampers innovation on the Web. Urge your members of Congress to reject this Internet blacklist campaign in both its forms!
To wear or not not wear … is that a question ?
By · CommentsCurrent Mood:
Happy
1-15-12
As the days turn to months and the months turn to years … the time arises for some questions to be
addressed …. mainly ~ can i ever be ready to wear a collar again ? am i worthy ? who judges this ? is this a decision only for Him ? what does it mean to me / Uus now ?
my personal story involves a life time of issues .. that came to a head last year ~ and in the process ~ my collar was stripped of me .. but Wwe still remain together ~ and for that i am VERY THANKFUL …
Now Wwe are in the process of re evaluating whether or not i am ready for a collar again … and this is not a subject to be taken lightly … in fact.. its even more serious than when Wwe engaged in this 5 years ago … because now all the blinders are removed and the “glitz , glamor and mystery” has been reveiled… and the REAL DEAL is here for Uus to see …. and i look at this with great honor .
i could easily ( and believe me sometimes still do ) look at this subject / situation with shame and embarressment … but today i dont see it that way ~ i see this as a turning point to enter into reality TOGETHER !!! What may seem like the most horrible thing to happen to a slave could be the best thing that could have happened to me !!! i dont know yet ~ but i am honestly open to see . i am hopeing that Wwe will work through these issues and be together ~ HONESTLY !! i am willing and ready to do the work of this .
Am i ready to wear His collar again … today ?? probably not … but i have complete faith that if i do the work .. it will happen . A way that i think might be a good way to start back into a 24/7 situation is to work within moments in time ,,,, such as weekends or week to week ,,, At first this seems lame ? but i see it as a realistic way to set boundries . i suggested Wwe do this THIS weekend ~ but i cant tell if Wwe did it or not ( hahahah) … i have been following orders and trying to be “good” so im following my own protocols ~ i’m not sure if He is aware of this ?? maybe when He wakes up i can ask Him ?? But im cool with it ~ either way … maybe Wwe can do a Tues-Thurs thing ? i dont know … but its a start !!!! my point of this is to show honest intenet and good Sirvice … and provide happiness to Him !! So maybe by working together during these times Wwe can evalute when might be a good time to go 24/7 again . i honestly do want to wear His collar again … and be together with Him ~ forever !
Am i worthy ? This sounds like a very loaded question … but it must be addressed … what is the critiriea of worthy ? to me … worthy qualities are ~ honest ~ non reactive ~ peaceful ~ helpful ~ open ~ showing good judgement ~ good self esteam … etc . i can see that if these are the elements i set forth … i will have my work cut out for me … but BOY O BOY … wouldnt it be great to acheieve this ? YES !! This is my goal !!!!
How about HIM ? what qualities would i see for Him … the man that holds the key to my heart ?? well ~ He already exhibits many of the qualities i expressed above ( which would hold true for a Master ) but what other things would i project as being worthy for Him to hold a complete slave ~ more specifically ME as a complete slave ?? hmm… i think its not time for me to express that ,, i would like to hear from HIM what He thinks are appropriate attributes …. but i must say ,,, that i completely LOVE Him … with all that i am …
i could have never asked for a more perfect person to challange me ~ and make my life a source of joy and growth ..so thankYou for being my Master ~ even without a collar … because that is just a PART of who Wwe are … not what Wwe are! i will give this concept more thought… because i would humblely request that perhaps an entry to slavehood can be met with honest understanding of what the slave needs ( from my perspective ) and can be part of the process of collaring ….
What does a collar mean to me now ? Gosh ~ that is a BIG BIG one … isnt it ? well ,, today ~ as i see it ~ a collar means complete submission on my part and complete Ownership on His part … and this is where He and i will need to agree … and i TRULY FEEL WwE WILL !!!!!!
i will leave this open letter and thought stream for now ,,, with a finale note ~
i declare to the universe that i am absolutly on the path to becoming a slave to Master Dvnt again … and it is my
full intention to meet all requirements set forth and look at this process with joy not resentment … because it will
be in honesty and TRUE LOVE that Wwe will find oourselves living !
~ humbly mara moon
Yoga Journal 21 day challange
By · CommentsCurrent Mood:
Esctatic
Hey all ~
i started the Yoga Journal 21 Day Challange … and you should to !!! Seriously !! Even though ive been a yogini for years .. its super fun to follow along and be connected with an activity that thousands of others are doing too !! i started to get my mom to … and so far so good !!
Totally check it out !!
John Willie ~ an exceptional vision
By · CommentsTo me ,,, John Willie is one of the greatest artists of the Fetish World … His artwork is beautiful and his efforts in
bringing “Bizarre” to the world is commendable !!! Please seek out more about him if you think hes cool too !!
John Willie
John Alexander Scott Coutts (December 9, 1902 – August 5, 1962), better known as John Willie, was a pioneering fetish photographer, illustrator, and bondage artist.
]Life and work
Coutts was born in Singapore and grew up in England; contrary to some claims, he was not related to the Coutts banking family.[1]
In 1921 he entered Sandhurst and in 1923 was commissioned a Second Lieutenant in the Royal Scots. He was forced to resign his commission in 1925 after marrying a nightclub hostess, Eveline Fisher, without the permission of his regiment, whereupon he moved to Australia; the marriage ended in divorce in 1930.[2]
In the mid-1930s, he began working for a Sydney-based fetish club as an illustrator and photographer; around this time he began a relationship with Holly Faram, one of his models, and they married in 1942.[3] He was an early enthusiast for the writings of Jorge Luis Borges, and invited the Argentinian to Australia in 1938, to give a short series of lectures in Melbourne, sponsored by Bohemia magazine.[4]
Around 1945-47 Coutts moved to New York City via Montreal, in order to publish his bondage and fetish magazine Bizarre; Holly chose to remain in Australia where she died in 1983 at the age of 70. When he moved to America Coutts adopted the name ‘John Willie’.
Bizarre was published, somewhat irregularly, from 1946 to 1959 (compare with ENEG‘s work in Exotique magazine, published 1956 – 1959). The magazine included many photographs, often of his wife, and drawings of costume designs, some based on ideas from readers. There were also many letters from readers; he was accused of inventing these, but insisted that they were genuine. The letters covered interests such as high heels, bondage, amputee fetishism, sadomasochism, transvestism, corsets and body modification.
As a bondage artist, he is best known for his character Sweet Gwendoline, which he drew in a clear, anatomically correct style that influenced later artists such as ENEG and Eric Stanton. Other characters include U69 (censored to U89 in some editions) as the raven-haired dominatrix who ties up Gwendoline and Sir Dystic d’Arcy, the only prominent male character and probably a parody of Willie himself.[5]
The comic strip was published by Irving Klaw, who forced Stanton to paint clothes over the whip marks on the originals of “The Missing Princess”.
After publishing 20 issues of Bizarre he moved to Hollywood, California. He developed a brain tumor in 1961 and was forced to stop his mail order business. He destroyed his archives and returned to England where he died in his sleep.
He was portrayed by Jared Harris in the 2006 movie The Notorious Bettie Page, which featured a (fictional) meeting between Willie and Page.
Bondage Night Chicago ~ January 21 ~ Players Paradise !!
By · CommentsCurrent Mood: Playful
BNC Presents ~ Kinky at The Continuum
Master Dvnt and i will be co hosting O/our monthly play party at The Continuum !!
Wwe will be joined by Mistress Xena & Peter Propaganda with Mistress Cleo as well ….
Please Join U/us …
Chicago In Leather
By · CommentsCurrent Mood: Esctatic
Thursday January 19th
The Chicago History Museum is hosting an exhibit and discussion about the rich history of chicago
in the Leather Community …. They are hosting a cocktail party to kick it off … W/we will definetly be there !!
Chicago in Leather: Program and iPhone App Launch Party
Thursday, January 19, Cocktails begin at 5:30 p.m.; programs begin at 6:30 p.m.
The LGBT leather community in Chicago has made a historically meaningful impact on the city in a variety of ways. Join us for an evening that will discuss the importance of gay men’s leathermotorcycle and backpatch clubs, bars, women’s groups and spaces, and how large events like International Mr. Leather have helped shape Chicago’s leather subculture. Panelists will also explore how gender, sexual orientation, collaboration, and separatism have co-existed throughout the past five decades.
Cost: $12, $10 members and students
Heavy Rubber For Sale !!!
By · CommentsCurrent Mood: Esctatic
ive decided to clean out my closet …. so please check out my ebay auctions …. Ive got 3 really great pieces up ~ DeMask ~ Inner Sanctum and Stormy Leather !!
Check em out !!
Naughty ?? Nice?? or BOTH ???
The Human Rights Campaign